video description, 2026-01-18
There’s a surprising scarcity of YouTube coverage on this version of our beloved Bard’s Tale, and nature abhors a vacuum, so let’s go au naturel for this one and hate our Hoovers together. Butt nekkid of course. Remember—you’re on the honor’s system in regard to both your nakedness and your Hoover hatred. I, for one, am lying about both.
video description, 2026-01-11
When you start typing a video description, you never know where it’ll take you. Well, I know just where this one will take me. I Know Where I’m Going, starring Wendy Hiller and Roger Livesey. Mairzy doats and dozy doats and little Roger Livesey. Well buckle up, Roger, because this video description is taking you to spoiler town. Well, the video is at any rate. The description is more of a warning that several plot twists of the third and greatest Bard’s Tale game are likely to be spoiled by this video in the most unceremonious manner possible. That’s a strong claim, and one we can back up with evidence. For you see, Ms. Hiller, long before you portrayed whomever you portrayed in Anne of Avonlea, you were known to consort with the Archers, Monsieurs Powell and Pressburger themselves. And Anthony Asquith, whose later ‘The Browning Version’ comes highly recommended by your humble Youtuber. Michael Redgrave will break your heart in that one. He’ll haul on off and break your heart. A few Asquith offerings later, and Rex Harrison won’t break your heart in The Yellow Rolls Royce, one of those anthology pictures whose stories grow more tedious as the movie wears on. Luckily, when Rex Harrison isn’t breaking your heart, he’s getting his own broken, and it’s at least intriguing enough to sit through. Though by the final story, the Ingrid Bergman one, you find yourself getting restless. The Rolls by that point has seen better days anyway. So has Ingrid, come to think. What was I saying again? Ah yes, spoiler alert. Or words to that effect. To the one or two of you it’s likely to matter to.
video description, 2025-10-31
You ole pilaster of piaris. In the capital of France they just call it “Plaster of…” And then the Frenchie they’re talking to dies waiting for them to finish. Fortunately that particular Frenchie was gravely ill anyway, due to die at any moment. And by Frenchie I don’t mean French person. I mean someone in the midst of French-kissing the person who came to the intensive care ward to tell them about plaster of… Well, you know. I’d best not tell you because I’m not in the mood to catch your cooties from a sloppy tongue kiss. I mean, that’s why you’re in the intensive care ward in the first place. If only one day they might find a cure for cooties. The best way is to withhold money from the cootie charities unless they promise to hurry up and cure it right after they get the donation. It’s like offering someone a cookie, withdrawing it just as they make a grab, and saying, “Promise to be my best friend?” If you don’t believe this is how it works, just you try to catch polio. Go on. I’ll wait.
Not so easy, is it? And that’s because Polio Boy wanted a cookie and was willing to do anything to get it. Even cure the world of himself. And so now we have cooties instead, and one less cookie. Too bad, too. It was the cookie I was hoping to get. I’d hope to get another one instead but I don’t think there are any other ones. In fact that was the only one. The last one I needed to complete my collection… of one. I’m a completist, you know. Collect ‘em, trade ‘em, race ‘em. The cookie takes the checkered flag! And last place. And all the places in the middle.
Now that I have your ear, remember — cookie is just a single letter off cootie, so imagine what might happen if the alphabet truck crashes. We might have all kinds of French kiss diseases floating around. Everywhere except in France, where they just call it kissing.
¿Bésame mucho, eh? Bésame mucho, die Freundin.
video description, 2025-09-17
If you don’t love this jingle with me, there’s something wrong and you need to visit a psychiatrist. Get addicted to the meds that make you love it even more than me. Then get addicted to the meds that make you fly to Japan and send me a decent copy so I don’t have to do this in the first place. Then force feed or inject me with the meds that make me go back in time and tell me what you did for me so that I never embark on this silly endeavor to begin with. Then give time the meds that make it not explode from the resulting paradox.
Seriously, folks, if you want a copy of this song for your own enjoyment and perusal, email me and I’ll send it on. My name at gmail.
video description, 2025-08-18
This video’s release was delayed because I hadn’t written a description yet. Well, I’ve written it now, haven’t I? Hmm, yes, well. That’ll show it. That’ll show it not to mess with the likes of Theodore J. Poughkeepsake. Not to be confused with Alan J. Pakula, but yes to be confused with Scottan J. Bakula, starring Dean Stockwell as the Boy with the Green Hair. The first anti-war protester. Green hair means don’t put. Yes, don’t put war. Instead, put green hair. Child actor Dean Stockwell was in a number of other movies, like the one Ricky Nelson was in instead of him, where Ricky Nelson wasn’t old enough for Leslie Caron until he took some grown-up juice and now he was old enough. It was Big before Big. Well anyway, remember child actor Dean Stockwell’s performance in that? If you do, well done. Because there wasn’t one. At least not by Dean Stockwell. I think he was too busy loading up at the craft services table. Stockwell was survived by his dog, his dad, his dag and his pogs. He’ll forever be remembered as the best part of Blue Velvet. The craft services table was survived by grownup actor Dean Stockwell, and will forever be remembered as the blest bloart of green hairvet, the anti-blue war boy.
video description, 2025-08-04
Simkins Lambastiture had had enough, and to be perfectly frank I had had enough of Simkins Lambastiture. So I stabbed it. Not him, but it. For you see, Simkins Lamastiture was a corn puff. Now I know what you’re thinking—how was a corn puff ever elected to the House of Commons? Well, I ask you—can you think of anything more common than a corn puff? Of course you can. But that doesn’t stop them from trying to appear more common than they are. And what better way to appear that common than to reside in the house of it? So after a half-hearted campaign in which the opposing candidate was blackmailed into dropping out of the race, Simkins Lambastiture found itself on the floor of Parliament, wondering how it might obtain a corn-puff tailored little red cape and a wig like the corn puffs in the other house were so privileged to wear. So its very first act as a Parliamentarian was to veto anything that wasn’t a bill allowing little red capes and wigs for all. Now you and I both know how futile it is for someone in this office to attempt a veto, but Simkins Lambastiture had no prior governmental experience. And its constituents were growing restless at all the partisan gridlock it was causing, so they elected me to steal away into the shadows and stab Simkins Lambastiture when it least expected it. And so I did. Stabbed the poor little thing right in its corn puff shoulders. But the twist to this story, dear reader, is that the knife with which I performed said stab was in truth made entirely out of a most soothing lotion. Yes, lotion. In fact it was so soothing that one wonders how it retained its knife shape until the appointed time. Yet I swear to you it did. Right up until I stabbed, at which point it sort of melted away into the corn puff’s skin, causing it a dreadful amount of tension release. It was really more of a massage than a stabbing, come to think. As you might imagine, the chemistry was instant and intense. And now we’re terribly, terribly happy together.
video description, 2025-07-08
Remember when life was simple, when shoes only came in your dad’s size, and your dad was a centaur who didn’t wear shoes in the first place? Well remember no more with new Tanpant Pantangelo. Tanpant Pantangelo is made from a new industrial grade polyponnesian macrofibre, hand-forsaken by a roadside near you, now showing in slitrovision, the 128x1 aspect ratio the whole family can’t enjoy. With Tanpant Pantangelo, your Susan B. Anthony will be BEGGING you to honor her with a commemorative silver dollar. No more messy wheat pennies, peat whennies or two-headed quarters for you, Jazzdoink. You’ll be rolling around naked in silver-cast Susan B. Anthony heads, each one looking commemoratively to the side to protect your modesty, something you obviously don’t care about yourself.
So care about it yourself with new Tanpant Pantangelo, now in three vomit-inducing flavors to suit even the least discriminating connoisseur. Baked by the Manson family.
*video description, 2025-07-
You may be wondering why you’re not as cool as me. Well, for one thing, I’m the ultimate rebate boy. Oh sure, there are other rebate boys. Buying goods from the manufacturer, filling in the requisite forms, and then mailing them off in the hopes that six to eight weeks later a check reiumbursing them for most of their cost will arrive in the post. But have these other rebate boys ever stopped to consider what sets me, their absolute superior in every way, apart from the Greebaet Unwashed?
Of course they haven’t, you twingemaster. You master of twinge. If you’d only stop mastering twinge all the livelong day and pause to consider what makes me such an ultimate rebate boy, you might have your answer by now. But you don’t have an answer yet, and you most likely never will. Always on your knees, praying to the god of the potato sack race you know doesn’t exist, hoping that the earnestness of your prayers may just will him into existence. Pathetic.
Sanctimonious twingemaster. What would they say down at the potato sack race if they knew you were blaspheming their god by wanting him to exist? His nonexistence is the reason they all converted to Potatosackracerianism in the first place. Don’t ruin it by bringing your Ludwig von Chick Tracts to the fellowship pancake breakfast and driving out all the zealots. Nail your demands to the wall of the church and then fork off into some form of potatorotestantism.
Meanwhile, I’ll be mailing in all the best rebates. That’ll show you.
video description, 2025-03-19
Tale as old as time… Tale as old as time… Tale as old as time… Tale as old as time… Blanka and the Beeeeeeeeeeee—oh but hang on, you say! Blanka IS a beast, my fine Joey Featherton’d aficionado. And you’d be plumb right, Señor. A beast he may well be, but he ain’t THE Beast. That honor belongs to he what casts a Shadow. And a vijdya gaim, not about him, but about said shadow. Right Said Freddow. “I’m too beastly for my shirt.” And he WAS, you know. Right up until the third game he was too beastly for anything but a loincloth. And even then he wore pantaloons, boots, a hat and a backpack, BUT NO SHIRT. Think of the chaffing… Which is why we bring you NeuroPlatter, the thinking man’s chaffing dish. When was the last time the thinking man chaffed without his favorite dish? Well, chaff away, thinking man, knowing that all your sloughed-off skin will be caught by one of our fine artisan-crafted receptacles.
Now receptaclete, both of you. That’s it. Easy does it. Mind the NeuroPlatter!
video description, 2025-03-13
Why doesn’t the most popular computer of all time have a better version of the most popular game of all time? We’re not going to answer that question in this video, but we are going to propose solutions, so that our children and our children’s children don’t have to live in a world where Pac-Man and the Commodore 64 do not live in harmony, side-by-side on my piano keyboard oh lord why don’t we….. I don’t know why you don’t, Paul, but Stevie, Paul is cheating on you with Michael Jackson, and to a lesser extent, Michael’s sister. You thought you were the only one he was dueting with? Why, heavens no, and I’ve got the music video to prove it! But it wasn’t just Say Say Say. No… Paul even guested on The Girl is Mine, right there in plain sight on Side A of Thriller! How dare you flaunt it so callously, Paul? How dare you? It’s crazy to think those two powerhouses were both making music in the 60s and wouldn’t meet until years later though. If I had to pick a favorite Beatles song, it’d probably be Side 2 of Abbey Road. If I had to pick a favorite Jackons song, it would probably be the one narrated by that deep voice boy, where they’re all giants and they’re peppering gleam all over everyone’s heads to make the world a better place.
video description, 2025-03-07
As I write this, I’m listening to the soothing sounds of the Seeburg 1000 background music streaming radio station. I can’t recommend it highly enough. All the way up to the top? Still not enough! You may think me a stern taskmaster, but I like to think of myself as a Howard Stern taskmaster. Tote that barge, Howard Stern! Lift that bail! And when you’re done, eat some taskmuenster. Yes, Taskmuenster—the indentured servitude cheese, preferred by 6 out of 3 servitudinal indentities. Your body needs calcium for strong bones and constipation for having an excuse not to tote that barge or lift that bail because you’ve been on the toilet for hours, trying to pass another death star through the sarlac pit. Just don’t sit on the toilet too long after you’re finished, or Boba Fett may go up in there. Boba Fett here being a metaphor for pin worms. I told you not to eat out of the sandbox, Cad Bane and Aurra Sing, or Boba Fett will go up in there. Oh well, c’est la vie. Brian Wilson kept a piano in his sandbox. Did you know that? I wonder if pin worms contributed to his first emotional breakdown or the second one that brought his SMiLE progress to a halt and deprived the world of one of what might have been the greatest record of the 1960s. What it didn’t deprive the world of was the Seeburg 1000 background music streaming station. Give it a listen and tell me in the comments what to think. You Robin Quivers taskmistress, you!
video description, 2025-03-04
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the world of BurgerTime, where you play the strapping young restaurateur, Jonathan BurgerTime, as he travels to a time when burgers roamed the earth, constructing a vast array of ladders in order to see over the heads of their schoolmates, who were held back several years and consequently much taller than the other meat patties in their grade. Witness the startling peppering of… Hey, I’m breaking the fourth wall right now to tell you that You Still Believe In Me from Pet Sounds is stuck in my head. The “I wanna cry” row-row-row-your-boat circular ending of that song is magnificent. Magnificent, I tell you. Alright. Go make a meat patty out of yourself and see over your own head. Meat Patty Hearst. “Oh hi, Ms. Hearst, it looks like you’re being kidnapped at the moment. Just let me know when you’re all-the-way kidnapped and can we resume this meating at your earliest inconvenience.”
video description, 2024-12-29
Last year’s video got 144 views, which isn’t remotely worth the agony of playing. Let’s see if we can get that number down to double digits this year, something that makes me even more apathetic about the state of things and prompts me to shut down the channel altogether. Come on, Trent. We can do this. All you have to do is not watch. Close your eyes or cover them with your hands or the hands of a loved one. Google watches you pleasure yourself anyway, so they’ll probably see your eyes are covered and deduct a view. Good riddance, view! And good riddance to this series and this channel.
I’m only kidding. I would never do that to you, especially since you’ve been stricken with blindness. Self-inflicted, easily remedied hands-over-the-eyes blindness, but still.
video description, 2023-10-31
Yes, I was using the microphone on my webcam, clear across town, rather than the mic I thought I was using, mere inches from my mouth. I don’t care whether you forgive me or not, frankly. I’m not sorry, and I’m not sorry for butchering your name, Mitch Crane. I butchered your name into tiny pieces, Mitch Crane, and now there are only two syllables left, to be divided amongst your name’s heirs.
Its son took the syllable Mitch and enjoys going on long walks on the beach and not having any legs for going on long walks on the beach. Its other son, the beach, took the syllable Crane and enjoys stealing its older brother’s legs lest he subject him to another walking-on. I mean a walk-on bit role in the latest episode of Columbo, where Peter Falk’s corpse says, “One more thing. You know, my wife loves murdering. Do you suppose she’s the murderer instead of you, who I plainly watched do it? Do you suppose that, the beach?! TELL ME.”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was The Beach Crane, in the parlor with the lead pipe, wearing a blue sweatsuit provided by Adrian. Sweatsuits by Adrian, read the credits. Now go watch the documentary about Adrian. Seriously, there’s a documentary about Adrian of Gowns by Adrian fame. If only I had a mononym. If I was the older brother, my mononym could be Mitch. But woe and alas, I AM my older brother and it is Mitch.
video description, 2022-11-01
This time, Rupert, we’re sacking the Christmas thumbie. I’m sorry, Rupert, but Halloween thumbie just doesn’t have the right ring to it, so I’m going to insist we call it the Christmas thumbie. In point of fact, not being the Christmas thumbie was the very reason we’ve sacked it, Rupert. Rupert, are you listening to me?
Bonnie, Rupert appears to be dead. What’s that, dear? Oh no, I don’t think we need an ambulance. Maybe a fire truck, as he appears to be on fire. Bonnie, do you suppose that had anything to do with his death? Appearing to be on fire?
Why, I appear to be on fire now as well. Do you think my appearing to be on fire has anything to do with actually being on fire, Bonnie?
The parts of me that appear on fire also seem to be in grievous pain, Bonnie. Do you think they truly ARE in pain? Because I’m planning to scream, you know, Bonnie, but I don’t wish to do so without good reason.
video description, 2022-10-28
Hey you remember that Foreigner boy I mean that other boy from the band Survivor you know the co-founder of it who couldn’t remember which band was which well somebody done resurrected the cameraman and put him plum smack dab in the smackdab which you’ll know from science is among the best dabs of all time right up there with stab I mean sdab because you’re American and you don’t differentiate your t sounds from your d sounds when you type I mean you ton’d tifferendiade your d sounts from your t sounts there that’s better isn’t that better Jeremy oh wait you’re not Jeremy forgive me I thought you were Jeremy and not only that but I thought you co-founded the band Loveryboy but it turns out that Jeremy didn’t even co-found anything least of all Loverboy but he was American you know so he never tifferendiaded his ps and qs I mean his ts and ds oh let me start over mind your ts and ds Jeremy lest you co-found something like Loverboy or Dracula coming to sink his deedh indo Jim Peterik or some such co-foundress I mean co-founder sorry about that I’m American so I don’t differentiate between founders and foundresses or matters and mattresses, for that matter—I mean for that mattress.
video description, 2022-10-25
In this game some Dracula or something like that sunk his teeth into Survivor co-founder Jim Peterik just as he was about to sing Urgent which as you know is a Foreigner song but Jim couldn’t remember which band was which so they had to hire a tiger and zoom in on its eye but every time the cameraman got too close the tiger would kill him and nobody told the cameraman that the camera had one of those zoom lenses so he would run up to the tiger each time and each time the tiger would kill him but luckily this only happened once of course because he was already dead after the first time so they decided to pull him on a string I mean his dead body you know pull it on the end of a string with the camera in his hands except not in the hands of the string you know just tie this poor dead cameraman to the end of a string and rest the running camera on his chest and run toward that tiger with the camera and cameracorpse on the end of that string and then wouldn’t you know it every single time the guy running with the string would run right smack into that tiger and get killed by it.
The moral of the story? Co-found Foreigner instead.
video description, 2022-10-21
Yes, friends, we rejoin our hapless hero as he plunges headlong once again into the love/hate tempest that is his relationship with Return to Dark Castle, a game everyone but killgruz has long since stopped playing. Yet today, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a special milestone in our hero’s treaculating progress—an acquisition widely regarded as a hurdle hitherto unscalable, a powerup necessary to complete the game, though completing it isn’t likely to happen for years to come, at this rate anyway.
Now that I have your attention, please let me talk to you about Truthpaste, ladies and gentlemen, yes Truthpaste—the only toothpaste about which it’s necessary to lie. No longer will you have the trust of your parents as you tell them that, yes, in fact, you did brush your teeth. For you see, every mouth with which Truthpaste comes into contact is compelled to tell only falsehoods, thanks to that one glistening drop of retsyn and a new type of decptifluoride that only we at Truthpaste Holdings can see and hear.
‘Sure, Baxter, but does it clean my teeth?’ I hear you say. We’ll let the testimonials speak for themselves:
“No, officer, I didn’t just chop up the postman and bury bits of him all over my garden, wherever it appeared might be a good place to grow tomatoes, even though I should have because my brutally slain, chopped-up postman was made of tomatoes, you know.”
video description, 2022-10-17
This is a photo editing session my friend and I collaborated on about a year ago over screen sharing. I was in Alaska and she was thousands of miles from Alaska. Why am I subjecting you to it? Because I haven’t bothered to record any Halloween content yet, so shut up. Just shut up. Just shut all the way up, and when you’ve found you can no longer shut any further than your current level of upness, keep shutting. Keep on shutting and shutting and, yes, even shutting. When you’re done shutting, you may retire to a small cottage where there will be punch served, and little cakes, oh those little diabetes cakes you love so much. There’s nothing like a moist little diabetes cake after a good hard shut.
You know who had diabetes was that Mary Tyler Moore. She caught it from Mary Tyler Somebodyelse. I had a crush on both of them. But don’t worry; I didn’t eat after them. That’s a surefire way to catch diabetes, if you ask me—eating moist cakes after both Maries Tyler Moore and Somebodyelse, respectively.
video description, 2022-09-29
The Bard’s Tale Trilogy Remastered is everything I’d hoped it would be, managing to maintain the spirit of the original games while adding several of quality-of-life improvements. However, if you play with all the new features of the default setup, the game becomes way too easy from the outset and quickly grows tedious. It’s almost as though the publishers want you to speed through the original trilogy so you can make it to the vastly inferior fourth game, which this remaster was originally released to promote.
In this video I make recommendations that should help pace the game’s challenge a bit better, as well as its reward system. Also included are a few considerations to keep in mind when building your first party and setting out on your quest. Please also bear in mind that I have no idea what I’m talking about, and you’re likely to enjoy the game more if you ignore everything I say.
You may begin by ignoring this. Wait, don’t ignore that. I need to start again. Oh, but if you’ve already started ignoring me, anything I say henceforth will also be ignored. How do I get you to pay attention to me again? After 20 years of marriage, how do I get you to pay attention to me again? I could spice things up with a sexy costume. Or poison you like in that Paul Thomas Anderson fashion movie. Why don’t I just cut out the middleman and poison that Paul Thomas Anderson fashion costume? Who even let the middleman in here in the first place? Oh middleman, middleman, wherefore must thou ignorest me?
Now get out. I have costumes to poison.
video description, 2022-08-24
I’m not even going to mention the software I’m taking a look at here because heaven forbid an actual member of the program’s target demographic were to tune in for this crap.
Also, consider those among you who bother to read the comments officially warned about the oversharing in this video. It contains a graphic depiction of the traumatic experience I underwent the morning of its posting. For a full refund, write to: Burrell’s Transcripts, PO Booboo Leeleelee H9792, please include a self-addressed stamped self, the self-same self that’s your own self. Stamp yourself, address yourself to yourself, and then mail yourself. When the recipient opens the package, tell him you want a full refund. That’ll be Burrell, and he won’t know what the hell you’re talking about because he’s just a lowly transcriptionist, transcribing booboo and leelee* day after miserable day as he slowly claws his way up Mount Decrepitude, off whose cliff we must all inevitably plummet, into the merciful embrace of nonexistence.
*Burrell considers transcription of the third lee a waste of his talents.
video description, 2022-08-12
This Vishnu-forsaken piece of video has been sitting dormant on my phone for the last several months, but now, just like the cicada that is its spirit animal, it has hatched and is ready to come up to the surface, only to be eaten by a predator whose spawning cycles have evolved to match that of its most sought-after prey—this video. Let us bow our heads and prey: O video, we come to evolve our spawning cycles so that every 17 years, just when you’re hoping to come to the surface and begin your life, we are also coming to the surface and hoping to begin ending your life. Amen.
And now, brothers and sisters, this description has ended. You may go in peace to love and serve… an entrée of braised this video.
video description, 2022-04-24
In the beginning of this video, I make the delirium-induced mistake of attempting to call the game SNA vs. Capcom. I was actually spelling snail, S-N-A… and then that’s where I always lock up. I choke. Right there at the penultimate letter. I get flashbacks to my third grade spelling bee, when I was in the middle of spelling snail and an actual bee started coming up to me. The stinging sort. I tried to convey the urgency of my predicament by gesticulating wildly to the onlooking assemblage, but because I was in the middle of spelling snail, everyone thought I was trying to signal that a snail was coming up to me and not a bee.
“Just get out of the way!” the other kids’ parents called to me from the audience. “It’s just a snail! You have plenty of time!”
In the end, tragically, there was nothing I could do. The bee wound up coming up to me, all the way up to me, and we’ve been the best of friends ever since. So why did I feel compelled to spell snail again at the beginning of this video? Well, it so happens that as I began to speak, I looked off in the distance and saw what I supposed was another bee coming up to me. Damn thing gave me flashbacks. But in the end it turned out to be a radish. Now that it’s all the way up to me, we’re both just sort of looking around awkwardly because it’s woefully unskilled in the art of conversation, quite frankly.
video description, 2021-11-01
As I type this, it’s 12:30 on Monday, November 1. What does this mean for you, the viewer? It means that I need you to be best friends with me. I’m having a hard time being clever because I’m jet lagged, and right now it feels like all my energy is leaking out through those parts of my face we in television refer to as the cheeks. You might have heard of the cheeks. That’s where Reynold carries the nuts he’s hoping to store for winter. But old Mr. Cadash-Cadaver down at the bank won’t give poor Reynold the necessary safe deposit box. I don’t know why. Maybe old Mr. Cadash-Cadaver is bigoted against chipmunks. Whatever the case, no safe deposit box for you, ethnic-slur-for-chipmunk. Dude, just call him Reynold. Do you have any idea how many nuts he’s able to hold in his cheeks? Upwards of one. If that doesn’t earn your respect, I don’t know what will.
video description, 2021-10-21
That’s a good point, Rupert, and I’m glad you brought it up. Why is it that the FLYING buttresses are the only buttresses that get any measure of recognition in this town? Unsung are the standing on one leg buttress, the overslept, missed its Monday meeting and is now fired from its accounting job at the toe stub factory buttress, the buttress that began to panic because it can’t breathe but later realized it didn’t need to in the first place since it’s only a buttress, the time is running out for me to finish this video description so I can go to Safeway and get some more half-n-half for my coffee buttress, the also remember to get seltzer while you’re there buttress. Why, I hear there’s even a buttress that has diarrhoea! My mistake. It was a buttOCK that has diarrhoea. Yes, just the one buttock. Your guess is as good as mine as to how it manages such an impressive feat without a second buttock or any of the other accoutrements needed to practice the diarrhoeal arts. But there it was, a single buttock, spraying diarrhoea all over the rest of us at that toe stub factory Monday accounting meeting. Some days you wish you’d just overslept and missed work altogether. All of us who attended the meeting that Monday wound up getting fired for being covered in diarrhoea anyway. And who do you think they hired to replace us? BUTTRESSES! I swear, these damn buttresses, they come to this country, they don’t bother to learn the language, don’t bother to get covered in diarrhoea, and then they take our maximum wage jobs away from hard-working, diarrhoea-covered accountants who are beginning to panic because they can’t breathe but later realize they don’t need to breathe in the first place since they’re only accountants.