video description, 2025-08-04
Simkins Lambastiture had had enough, and to be perfectly frank I had had enough of Simkins Lambastiture. So I stabbed it. Not him, but it. For you see, Simkins Lamastiture was a corn puff. Now I know what you’re thinking—how was a corn puff ever elected to the House of Commons? Well, I ask you—can you think of anything more common than a corn puff? Of course you can. But that doesn’t stop them from trying to appear more common than they are. And what better way to appear that common than to reside in the house of it? So after a half-hearted campaign in which the opposing candidate was blackmailed into dropping out of the race, Simkins Lambastiture found itself on the floor of Parliament, wondering how it might obtain a corn-puff tailored little red cape and a wig like the corn puffs in the other house were so privileged to wear. So its very first act as a Parliamentarian was to veto anything that wasn’t a bill allowing little red capes and wigs for all. Now you and I both know how futile it is for someone in this office to attempt a veto, but Simkins Lambastiture had no prior governmental experience. And its constituents were growing restless at all the partisan gridlock it was causing, so they elected me to steal away into the shadows and stab Simkins Lambastiture when it least expected it. And so I did. Stabbed the poor little thing right in its corn puff shoulders. But the twist to this story, dear reader, is that the knife with which I performed said stab was in truth made entirely out of a most soothing lotion. Yes, lotion. In fact it was so soothing that one wonders how it retained its knife shape until the appointed time. Yet I swear to you it did. Right up until I stabbed, at which point it sort of melted away into the corn puff’s skin, causing it a dreadful amount of tension release. It was really more of a massage than a stabbing, come to think. As you might imagine, the chemistry was instant and intense. And now we’re terribly, terribly happy together.